The Velcro Effect: Why We Cling to Our Worst Days (and How to Let the Manure Settle)

by Jared Harding Wilson

We’ve all been there. You receive ten compliments on your character, but then one person makes a stinging, offhand remark. Guess what you’re thinking about when your head hits the pillow at 2:00 AM?

It’s never the ten “attaboys.” It’s the one “you’re not enough.”

As someone who has spent a lot of time reading and studying, and in therapy, I’ve realized we are all walking around with biological hardware that often works against our peace of mind. Neuroscientists often say the brain is like Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive. But the real danger isn’t just in how we see ourselves—it’s in how we allow the past to “freeze” us, or how we use it to freeze others.

The Stench of “Shoveling”

There is a common trap we fall into when we make a mistake: we think that by obsessing over it, we are “learning.” But there is a fine line between reflection and rumination.

In a classic talk by President Boyd K. Packer, (“The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness,” Ensign, Nov. 1995), he alluded to the fact that while the “stench” of our past mistakes is real, some people insist on “shoveling” it. Especially myself included in the list. Think of a mistake like manure. I have learned the hard way that fertilizer only helps a plant grow when it is left to settle into the soil. If I spend all day shoveling it, turning it over, and smelling it, I’m not helping the plant; I’m just making the environment toxic. I’ve learned the need to remember our failures enough to learn the lesson, but then we have to let them settle so they can actually nourish our progress.

When the Mistake is Heavy

Sometimes, the choice wasn’t just a small slip—it was a heavy, “horrible” mistake that affected others. In those cases, “forgetting” feels dismissive. But we shouldn’t let that weight crush us, either.

• Acknowledge the Debt: Instead of trying to “be a better person because of it,” we can view our lives as an ongoing act of restitution. Because we know what it’s like to cause pain, we must be the most vigilant defenders against pain for the rest of our lives.

• The “New Creature” Concept: Scriptural figures like Alma the Younger or Paul made deep errors. They didn’t spend their lives saying, “I’m glad that hardship happened.” They spent their lives saying, “Because I know the depth of my error, I will never stop trying to do the opposite.” They used their past as a solemn reminder of why they had to be so diligent in choosing good today.

The “Pillar of Salt” and the Bully

The danger of negativity is most toxic when it’s weaponized. We’ve all met the person who refuses to let you change. You move on, you grow, you become someone new—but the moment they see you, they sling a mistake from decades ago back into your face.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once told a story about a man who had made mistakes in his youth and eventually got his life together and thrived in a new town, married a wonderful woman, and became a success. He returned to his hometown for a visit, and the people there still treated him like the “troublemaker” he was 20 years prior. The people there couldn’t see the man he had become; they only saw the boy he was. Elder Holland warned that holding someone to their past is like Lot’s wife: it turns us into a “pillar of salt.” It freezes us in time.

What does it say about a person when they do this?

• The Superiority Shortcut: Tearing someone else down is the easiest way to feel “up” without doing any personal growth.

• The Fear of Change: If you can change, it proves they are responsible for changing, too. That’s a terrifying thought for someone comfortable in a rut.

• The Control Play: It’s an attempt to say, “I know the real you,” as a way to undermine the confident person you are today.

For me, I have definitely had bullies in my life, but I have been my own worst bully. Dear reader, if you have been your own worst bully, how have you moved past that loop?

3 Tips for Breaking the Loop

When the “stench” of old mistakes starts to fill your day, try these three things to clear the air:

1. Name the Bias: When a negative thought loops, say out loud: “That is my Negativity Bias talking.” Labeling the biological process creates a buffer. You aren’t the thought; you are the one observing it.

2. The Compass Rule: A heavy mistake is a permanent mark on a map. You don’t have to erase the mark to change your direction. Use that past error as a fixed point on your compass—a reminder of exactly which direction you never want to head in again.

3. The 20-Second Hold: Because the brain is “Teflon” for good things, hold onto a positive thought for at least 20 seconds for it to actually sink in. When you see progress in your life, sit with that feeling. Force your brain to feel the warmth of it until it sticks. One of the things I learned in my years of therapy was the importance of accepting compliments. For me, it was actually hard to do, but with practice I am better at it.

Have you ever felt like someone was trying to “freeze” you in your past? Was that someone you? How did you handle it? Would love your thoughts in the comments below.

Image from Jared Harding Wilson. All rights reserved.

Bonus Points: If you’d like to read the two incredible talks by these Prophets of God quoted in this post, here’s the links:

1. October 1995 talk, ‘The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness,’ President Boyd K. Packer
   
2. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland addressed this ‘freezing’ of others in his 2009 address, ‘Remember Lot’s Wife.’ 
   

“Remember Lot’s Wife”